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Opposites attract, so here\u2019s what to do if differences are driving you apart.<\/p>\n
They say that opposites attract, and that can certainly be a good thing for a happily married or coupled up pair of people who are, indeed, polar opposites.<\/p>\n
Still, it can be scary to discover that person you\u2019ve fallen in love with, married, and are building a life with is actually very different than you.<\/p>\n
Personality type compatibility is certainly important, but rather than dwelling on it, it might help you to know that this isn\u2019t uncommon in even the healthiest of relationships.<\/p>\n
You and your partner probably see many of life\u2019s challenges and opportunities from unique perspectives, and it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll have different approaches to handling the ups and downs.<\/p>\n
The key to saving your marriage under these circumstances lies in not mistaking your individual differences for incompatibility.<\/strong><\/p>\n When you take a step back to discover how your differences may be complementary within the context of your relationship, you may just find that having the opposite personality type of your partner\u2019s can be the best recipe for a wonderful marriage!<\/p>\n Before I go any further, it\u2019s important to recognize that having different personality types doesn\u2019t mean you and your spouse or partner shouldn\u2019t share similar values. In fact, for a strong and enduring marriage, a shared set of core family values is essential.<\/p>\n But not only is it possible to save your marriage when you and your partner have different personality types, those differences are often what helps long-lasting, happy marriages thrive.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s face it; the early stage of romantic love is exciting.<\/p>\n Scientific research shows that, \u201cDuring the lust phase, the neurotransmitter phenylethylamine (PEA) increases,\u201d helping to fire off norepinephrine and dopamine, the neurochemicals responsible for creating that familiar sense of exhilaration we know as the thrill of new love.<\/p>\n By\u00a0studying the functional MRI images of more than 2500 of people in love, biological anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher found that when we view an image of someone we love, the brain reacts in a similar way it does to using cocaine. This may mean, she posits, that our judgment is at least a bit impaired when it comes to romance.<\/p>\n Another confusing factor in an initial attraction to someone is the newness itself.<\/strong><\/p>\n You and your flame are embarking on an exciting, fresh adventure. Not only is what\u2019s going to happen on this journey unknown, but your traveling companion is a mystery in and of themselves. And because you\u2019re currently under a state of intoxication, you\u2019re unlikely to see your new partner with clarity. Instead, you project onto them all of those things you hope and wish them to be, while simultaneously dismissing or blinding yourself to the things about them you don\u2019t like.<\/p>\n Eventually, those chemicals wear off, and you\u2019re no longer under a state of euphoria. When you\u2019ve sobered up and are no longer gazing at each other through rose-colored glasses, it can feel devastating watching as their cute idiosyncrasies grown into big nuisances.<\/p>\n It\u2019s OK. Take a deep breath. Although the honeymoon may be over, now is when your real marriage begins.<\/p>\n When it comes to romantic partnership, one way to understand personality type compatibility is by discovering which of you is a \u201cdo-er\u201d and which of you is a \u201cbe-er\u201d in your relationship.<\/p>\n These are the people who feel responsible for the business of living. They make sure things get done. They\u2019re more likely to plan date nights, schedule social events and organize vacations. They may also feel more responsible for the communication and connection between themselves and their partner.<\/p>\n \u200b\u200bThese are people who thrive on a less structured way of living. They\u2019ll feel constrained if life is too jam-packed with scheduled activities, as it makes their world feel chaotic. They make sure life is enjoyed by finding moments for stillness and calm. They remind folks to stop and smell the roses. These people want to just be. For them, rushing through life is no way to live.<\/p>\n Of course, we all carry both of these qualities. The problem occurs when each partner carries an overabundance of one or the other. Such an imbalance may create friction, anger, resentment, resistance or push-back in your marriage.<\/p>\n Remember that if you\u2019d married someone just like yourself, you would both become bored in your relationship quickly.<\/p>\n Similarity breeds stagnation, which, combined with too much predictability, kills passion \u2014 not just sexual passion, but passion for life.<\/p>\n Perhaps even worse than being bored in your relationship, when you marry someone just like you, there\u2019s not much impetus for personal growth. Our greatest learning and development happens within our relationships, so while yes, relationships should be enjoyable, they should also, at times, challenge us.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re struggling to know how to save your marriage, here are 4 ways to enhance personality type compatibility when you and your partner are polar opposites.<\/strong><\/p>\n 1. Take a step back<\/strong><\/p>\n If your differences rub up against each other, stop and breathe. Recognize if you\u2019re activated and, without judgment, accept you\u2019re having a feeling.<\/p>\n That doesn\u2019t mean the feeling has to have\u00a0you<\/em>. Take an intentional pause. Interrupt your brain with a time-out so you\u2019ll gain composure and be more empowered to respond thoughtfully, instead of react emotionally.<\/p>\n 2. Keep learning about the person you married<\/strong><\/p>\n This may sound odd because most couples know a good deal about their partners, especially if they\u2019ve been together for a while. But remember, your brain loves new and exciting things, so give it what it wants \u2014 and deepen your connection in the process.<\/p>\n 3. Show up<\/strong><\/p>\n Show up as you did when you first started dating, intrigued by this mysterious stranger, wanting to learn about them. Regain that sense of wonder and become curious again.<\/p>\n Keep your relationship feeling fresh and new!<\/p>\n 4. Find opportunities for self-growth<\/strong><\/p>\n Instead of replaying the old tapes of why they aren\u2019t doing or being more, take a behavioral action. If you\u2019re a do-er,\u00a0be<\/em>\u00a0more. If you\u2019re a be-er,\u00a0do<\/em>\u00a0more.<\/p>\n Although this can feel counter-intuitive and difficult, if you stretch into the areas that are personally challenging, it will help you develop those undeveloped muscles. Paradoxically, you\u2019ll also be more likely to be met with resistance or stonewalling from your partner, and they\u2019ll be more likely to give you more of what you need.<\/p>\n Instead of trying to get your partner to see things your way, or worse yet \u2014 be you \u2014 try even harder to understand them. Make it safe for them to share with you and then listen deeply without interrupting.<\/p>\n When they\u2019re done, try validating what they\u2019ve said. Validating doesn\u2019t have to mean you agree; it means you\u00a0understand<\/em>.<\/p>\n Remind yourself every day that you and your partner are not the same person.<\/strong><\/p>\n In every relationship, there will be two. This is good. All relationship are growth opportunities, and your intimate romantic partner can be your most meaningful teacher.<\/p>\n Marriage experts and\u00a0New York Times<\/em>\u00a0best-selling authors Harville Hendrix and Helen La Kelly Hunt believe this seeming incompatibility actually makes marriages great.<\/p>\n\n
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